If you’ve read my past entries, you know I’m going through the biggest art block and burnout I’ve experienced since 2022. To tell you the truth, I’m starting to feel really bad because of this. Creating art has always been my creative outlet, something therapeutic, the reason for my existence, maybe too much, maybe in a toxic way; so not being able to do it is like losing a part of myself.

I’m going through a weird “waiting” stage of my life, in which I’m just, well, waiting for something to happen. I’ve mentioned before (don’t remember if I’ve mentioned it in this blog though) that I’m a “future student”. The real story behind the “future student” thing is that years ago I dropped out due to some shitty stuff happening to me. I lost something along the way and because of that I never finished my Bachillerato (i’m from Spain btw LOL), I lost everyone and everything, I didn’t know how to handle my own emotions, I was severely depressed and my art classes were actually the worst experience of my life (which lead me to the art block I mentioned earlier). I tried to go back to finishing my Bachiller at some point, but I didn’t feel ready and gave up before I even tried, then convinced myself I didn’t need it, that I’d find a way to keep going with my life… But as time passed by I started feeling the consequences of my own actions and regretting my decisions, so now I’m actually gonna finish studying and close this nonsense of an era that has been going for way too long. But as I wait for September to come, I have no short-term goals to pursue, just some long, long months ahead of myself.

I wanted these months to be a good time for me. To be a time to focus on creating art, starting my comics and developing my projects, a time to grow as an artist since I had all this time for myself. How naive to think that, as the burnout I had been dragging since this summer kept growing and growing… 

Lately I’ve been feeling very hopeless because of the state of the world. I don’t want to talk too much about it here, but the thing is, even if I’m self-aware and know these emotions shouldn’t control my life, it’s still hard to not let them change the way I feel about things. I think it’s the first moment in time in which I’ve felt so lost, without hope, and like the world could end at any moment, and of course that affects the way I create art. A lot. If I’m already carrying a big burnout with me, these shitty emotions only make it worse. Because, what’s the point of creating if the world feels so bleak?

On my usual doomscrolling session (the one I do when I’m feeling this way and can’t sleep), I came across a video about Alysa Liu. I had been hearing about her for a while, but didn’t fully know her story and her philosophy until I watched those videos that kept appearing in my instagram reels feed. Aside from her programs being beautiful and very inspiring to watch, her philosophy as an athlete is also so, so inspiring.

I wonder if the solution to my burnout is just resting, taking time for myself and relearning how to love what I do. Sounds easier said than done, right? Yet seeing someone like Alysa, who has done it successfully and refound the joy of doing what she loves, it just gives me so much hope. Because right now, I wonder if finding joy in what we do is just another act of resistance that we should embrace.

During my doomscrolling time, I also almost burst into tears watching a video that put emphasis on that very sentiment: “joy is an act of resistance”. It’s so easy to forget, to think that what we do is frivolous and not important, but I guess that’s what they want us to think. That our happiness isn’t worth anything, that love isn’t worth anything, that passion isn’t worth anything. And going back to Alysa Liu, I think that’s what hits close home: her joy, passion and love for what she does on her own terms and with her own creativity, those are things we crave for in moments like this. 

And maybe that’s the right way to exist. Fighting for what we care about, but also not losing our joy and whimsy along the way. Art is important, even more in an age where AI is everywhere and the people pushing it on us want us to lose our passion and to forget the reasons why life is worth living. They want us to forget why we create art, they want us to forget we can fight while doing something we love (art is always political anyway, isn’t it?). We can’t let them win.

Enjoying the process of making art is also important, maybe even more than the final result, because art isn’t just the piece itself, it’s the journey. I think the circumstances of today are terrible, but as a consequence they’ve made something beautiful bloom: people preferring human imperfection over everything else. And if the journey isn’t a part of that imperfection then what is it?

And hey, maybe I’m looking too deep into this, but I don’t really care. I know this will take a lot of time for me to internalize, but I want this to be the way I live, making art I love for my own enjoyment, sharing it with the world in hope it means something to someone in the same way other small artists’ art means everything to me, finding community through it, expressing everything I want to express with it, making it mine and only mine.

I think this entry is looking way too poetic, it is hard to figure out how to end it. I guess I’ll just say that I know things are hard, but fighting back against doomerism is always worth it. Maybe I’m not going through my best moment, but if I’ve learnt anything this week is that taking a break is also fine, and a good way to find happiness again. I know taking a break has worked before for me, so why wouldn’t it work now? Everything will be fine.